Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
my liver is dry heaving
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
