don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
