Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
