I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm getting married
To pizza
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
