Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
