How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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