Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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