I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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