You don't have asthma, your pregnant
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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