All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
