we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
