omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
my being single is dangerous.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
