Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
