From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
