I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You are the jesus of drinking
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
