OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My ass is underappreciated
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
