At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
