why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
