I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
