Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
