you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
