After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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