Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
