we have pet lesbian snakes
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
