lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
