I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
