hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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