ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
two words...techno handjob
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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