Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
