I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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