Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
