Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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