If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
As shirtless as possible
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
