"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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