Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
