I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
