No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
