Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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