What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I think my moral compass just broke
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
