boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
