I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
