Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm bleeding and have questions
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
