Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize