hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
