Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
