i would punch a child for taco bell
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
