they need to just BURY HIM!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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