You're my little dorito
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
My liver just had a heart attack.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
