i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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