that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Randomize
