I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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