So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
