I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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