It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
