Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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