At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
