I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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