Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
