We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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